This morning I faced the most difficult experience I have ever had in my life.
I have been dreading today since Wednesday. I’ve been trying to slow down the days because I didn’t want Monday to become a reality.
This morning I knew was going to be hard. I just had no idea it was going to hurt this bad.
I feel that Jason and I became even closer this weekend. Every thing is an open book between us, well it always has been. But this weekend, I feel we shared even more. He read my emotions, and I read his. I shared my feelings and he shared comforting words, while he too expressed what he was feeling. There were many times we found comfort in being close to one another, often times not sharing any words at all.
That’s the beauty of really knowing someone. You can read their body language and know when a smile is needed, when a kiss can bring some comfort and when a hug can change the overwhelming feelings.
I felt his nerves yesterday as he was packing, as he was preparing to leave for Florida this morning. His nerves were my worry of what the immediate future had in store for us.
As soon as he started packing his bag the tears began. I was faced with our reality. Packed bags meant the day was almost here.
The beauty of this decision that we made together is exactly that. There was no arguments. There was no heated discussions. There was no yelling. The decision struck us both at the same time. As the weighted decision started taking shape and the logistics were being discussed, we both tried to be each other’s strength.
I will never forget the words of encouragement Jason shared last night and this morning. I will never forget the strength of his arms as they engulfed me trying to give me as much comfort as he could. I will never forget the love I felt when he shared “I promise.”
One of the things that stuck out the most, that has me smiling even through the tears ,is the frame he grabbed to pack of him and I. A picture that exemplifies the fun we have together and the love that we share.
Last night we fell asleep in each other’s arms. Last night was the last time we will be able to lay next to each other for I don’t know how long.
This morning when his alarm went off a little after 3 a.m. my chest instantly began hurting. I slowly made my way out of bed after he was done in the bathroom. I sat on the couch and watched him put the last little bit in his bag. The strength I was trying to brave quickly vanished as the tears began rolling down my face.
This was it . . .
After Jason zipped up his bag he sat on the couch next to me. We were now faced with what we were both dreading. The inevitable.
Jason stood up, as did I. I couldn’t look him in the eyes because of the tears that were flowing freely as I walked rather quickly into his arms. The crying only became harder as he wrapped his arms around me, kissing the top of my head and my face.
This man is my everything. This man is my rock, my best friend, my strength when I have a hard time finding it.
So now as I sit here and write this blog the tears are flowing once again.
My tears became his tears as we walked outside and stood on the front deck still trying to put off the inevitable. One last hug, one last kiss, one last time saying I love you was just that. I couldn’t let him get in the car, although I knew the time had come.
I grabbed Lucy and put her in my arms after Jason made it to his car trying to calm the tears, trying to calm my body as Jason shut the door to the car. By this time Jason’s tears were flowing just as freely. He told me he couldn’t drive away if I was standing on the front porch. One last kiss, one last I love you and I turned around and walked in the house. As soon as the door closed I almost fell to my knees as the crying intensified. I somehow found some strength and walked to the window and peeked outside. I saw Jason wave goodbye and then watched him pull out of the driveway. I watched until I couldn’t see his tail lights any longer.
I knew today was going to be hard, but didn’t know how much it would hurt.
After battling my thoughts I was finally able to fall asleep almost three hours after he left. My sleep was filled with dreams of this beautiful man of mine. I woke to a text message from him sharing how far he made it and he hoped I was able to fall back asleep.
After taking Lucy outside, I came in and called him. I needed to hear his voice. He sounded just as emotionally drained as I was, but still giving me words of encouragement.
I’ve said this many times before. I have the love of a man who would move mountains to make sure we are okay. I know we will be together once again very soon. I know we will feed off of each other and be okay during our time a part. He’s given me the strength to keep my head held high. He’s given me the love to make it through this time.
This weekend only reaffirmed once again that I found the perfect man for me. I have found the man who I want to spend the rest of my life with. I have found my soul mate, my one true love, my best friend.
I pray that the rest of his trip is safe and he makes it to his destination safe and sound. I can’t wait until we are able to Skype tonight, so I can see his beautiful smile. So I can see his comforting eyes. So I can hear his voice, which calms me time and time again.
I know the result of this decision is only going to bring us closer as a couple. I know this decision is only going to improve our lives and take away some of the stresses we have encountered as soon as we are together again.
I love you baby, more than you will ever know.
Here’s a recent post that shares why we had to make this decision: