Flowing freely

This morning I faced the most difficult experience I have ever had in my life.

I have been dreading today since Wednesday. I’ve been trying to slow down the days because I didn’t want Monday to become a reality.

This morning I knew was going to be hard. I just had no idea it was going to hurt this bad.

I feel that Jason and I became even closer this weekend. Every thing is an open book between us, well it always has been. But this weekend, I feel we shared even more. He read my emotions, and I read his. I shared my feelings and he shared comforting words, while he too expressed what he was feeling. There were many times we found comfort in being close to one another, often times not sharing any words at all.

That’s the beauty of really knowing someone. You can read their body language and know when a smile is needed, when a kiss can bring some comfort and when a hug can change the overwhelming feelings.

I felt his nerves yesterday as he was packing, as he was preparing to leave for Florida this morning. His nerves were my worry of what the immediate future had in store for us.

As soon as he started packing his bag the tears began. I was faced with our reality. Packed bags meant the day was almost here.

The beauty of this decision that we made together is exactly that. There was no arguments. There was no heated discussions. There was no yelling. The decision struck us both at the same time. As the weighted decision started taking shape and the logistics were being discussed, we both tried to be each other’s strength.

I will never forget the words of encouragement Jason shared last night and this morning. I will never forget the strength of his arms as they engulfed me trying to give me as much comfort as he could. I will never forget the love I felt when he shared “I promise.”

One of the things that stuck out the most, that has me smiling even through the tears ,is the frame he grabbed to pack of him and I. A picture that exemplifies the fun we have together and the love that we share.

Last night we fell asleep in each other’s arms. Last night was the last time we will be able to lay next to each other for I don’t know how long.

This morning when his alarm went off a little after 3 a.m. my chest instantly began hurting. I slowly made my way out of bed after he was done in the bathroom. I sat on the couch and watched him put the last little bit in his bag. The strength I was trying to brave quickly vanished as the tears began rolling down my face.

This was it . . .

After Jason zipped up his bag he sat on the couch next to me. We were now faced with what we were both dreading. The inevitable.

Jason stood up, as did I. I couldn’t look him in the eyes because of the tears that were flowing freely as I walked rather quickly into his arms. The crying only became harder as he wrapped his arms around me, kissing the top of my head and my face.

This man is my everything. This man is my rock, my best friend, my strength when I have a hard time finding it.

So now as I sit here and write this blog the tears are flowing once again.

My tears became his tears as we walked outside and stood on the front deck still trying to put off the inevitable. One last hug, one last kiss, one last time saying I love you was just that. I couldn’t let him get in the car, although I knew the time had come.

I grabbed Lucy and put her in my arms after Jason made it to his car trying to calm the tears, trying to calm my body as Jason shut the door to the car. By this time Jason’s tears were flowing just as freely. He told me he couldn’t drive away if I was standing on the front porch. One last kiss, one last I love you and I turned around and walked in the house. As soon as the door closed I almost fell to my knees as the crying intensified. I somehow found some strength and walked to the window and peeked outside. I saw Jason wave goodbye and then watched him pull out of the driveway. I watched until I couldn’t see his tail lights any longer.

I knew today was going to be hard, but didn’t know how much it would hurt.

After battling my thoughts I was finally able to fall asleep almost three hours after he left. My sleep was filled with dreams of this beautiful man of mine. I woke to a text message from him sharing how far he made it and he hoped I was able to fall back asleep.

After taking Lucy outside, I came in and called him. I needed to hear his voice. He sounded just as emotionally drained as I was, but still giving me words of encouragement.

I’ve said this many times before. I have the love of a man who would move mountains to make sure we are okay. I know we will be together once again very soon. I know we will feed off of each other and be okay during our time a part. He’s given me the strength to keep my head held high. He’s given me the love to make it through this time.

This weekend only reaffirmed once again that I found the perfect man for me. I have found the man who I want to spend the rest of my life with. I have found my soul mate, my one true love, my best friend.

I pray that the rest of his trip is safe and he makes it to his destination safe and sound. I can’t wait until we are able to Skype tonight, so I can see his beautiful smile. So I can see his comforting eyes. So I can hear his voice, which calms me time and time again.

I know the result of this decision is only going to bring us closer as a couple. I know this decision is only going to improve our lives and take away some of the stresses we have encountered as soon as we are together again.

I love you baby, more than you will ever know.


Here’s a recent post that shares why we had to make this decision:

https://meghan80.wordpress.com/2015/03/06/an-extremely-hard-decision/

Thankful

Some thoughts that struck me while exercising today . . .

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Do you ever wake up thinking you have a beautiful life? That the life you lead is because of the confidence you have in yourself to make it happen?

I’m not sure if these thoughts have bombarded me because I had a conversation with someone from my past, or if I’m just reflecting on how far I’ve come because I’m experiencing the daily change in new life right outside the window.

The life of nature, if you think about it, goes through some drastic changes before new life is born. That new life of spring, and the warm temperatures that also grace this season, has spoken to me.

I really cannot put into words the feelings that take over me when I spot that new flower presenting itself on a tree or on the ground for that matter. After seeing the trees bare for so many months, its eye-catching for sure.

Today, while I was out taking pictures, I heard lawn mowers running and the smell of new cut grass filled the air. This alone made me smile. Do you know how long it has been since hearing those sounds or smelling that fragrance?

Yeah, is all I have to say.

Reflection . . .

The best part of that conversation earlier this week, is it made me smile, instead of making me dwell on the life I decided to leave behind. It’s amazing how much your life can blossom when you have the right people in your life. Without support from my closest family and friends, those mountains that blocked my path seemed unbearable. With their constant encourgement, the mountains turned into little, tiny hills, bumps for that matter. It was easy to catch a glimpse of the other side of the hurdle and continue along this path of my life.

IMG_1434What I took as genuine happiness about how far I have come from this individual kind of left me speechless. I know it shouldn’t have because he was so encouraging when he was a big part of my life. Even as discussions were had about another person of my past, the feelings that used to consume me no longer did. The only feeling that grabbed a hold of me was sadness. The same conversation that was had almost five years ago, was the same tune I heard that day. It’s a shame when someone can’t or does not want to find the new light at the end of the tunnel to carry on and see the new beauty that presents itself.

Life is precious, you have to make the most out of everything. This of course can be hard on occassion. The daily stresses of life sometimes gets the best of me.

The statement below I found one day is very true.

“Stop worrying so much. – Worry will not strip tomorrow of its burdens, it will strip today of its joy. One way to check if something is worth mulling over is to ask yourself this question: “Will this matter in one year’s time? Three years? Five years?” If not, then it’s not worth worrying about.”

I have found myself getting better at this every day.

New beauty . . .

IMG_1429New beauty is constantly presenting itself, if not in nature, in the daily happenings of my own life.

So, why not leave the worry behind, the unneeded stress, when you are in charge of your own happiness?

That one day struck me, it was time to grab a hold of that happiness and be in charge once again.

A huge turning point for me was moving back home to Fort Myers to be close to family and friends. The unconditional love and support often times took my breath away. I will never forget those days. I will never forget how my dad was my strength, how he carried me through one of the hardest times of my life.

The second best thing was rekindling that relationship with my first love.

I will never forget that conversation that started on Facebook almost five years ago after more than a decade of time passing by.

Strength . . .

That word can mean so many different things. I often find my thoughts turning to this word as I’m out in nature admiring its beauty. The more time we spend outdoors, as well as my time I spend at the gym, constantly reminds me just how strong I have become.

IMG_1423I have discovered a strength I did not know existed almost five years ago. I owe that discovery to my family and Jason.

Jason constantly pushes me, which I am so incredibly grateful for. He pushes me in every aspect of life. Every aspect in life.

When we are out hiking and an obstacle presents itself along our path, he pushes me forward, often times giving me words of encouragement, as I battle with the “I can’t do that” kind of thinking.

I have also found a strength inside as we continue this adventure in our new home state. Things, I won’t lie, were really rocky when we first arrived. I was an emotional mess for a few months, until I found my own footing. Found the confidence I needed in the new life we created for ourselves.

This morning as I chatted back and forth with my really good friend back in Florida through text messages, I was flooded with the thoughts of accomplishments. She asked how many papers I now contribute for . . . eight in Arizona, four in Florida and one in Tennessee.

Who say’s you can’t accomplish something when you have faith in yourself?

After telling her this information, my mouth kind of dropped open. I knew I contributed to quite a few, but until I wrote them all down, I guess I forgot the extent.

Independence . . .

IMG_1421I was taught to take care of myself through the years I was growing up. My parents raised all of their children to be independent, which I will forever be grateful for.

Unfortunately, sometimes through the course of life, you lose site of that “independence.” You believe life can only be fulfilled with that one person next to you.

Although I cannot look into my future and not see Jason there by my side, it doesn’t take away my independence. We built this relationship on us both being independent, but sharing a life with each other.

Through the course of last year and into this year, I have found that independence. My contribution to all these publications provides me with the independence I need.

You see . . . some of these things leave such an overwhelming feeling of thankfulness. Often times it leaves me breathless, but in a good way, when I think about the beautiful life I have created and absolutely love living.

The outdoors . . .

Growing up, my brothers, sisters and I, spent a lot of time outdoors. It was just how we were raised. So, it really isn’t a mystery that I still love being outdoors as an adult.

I’m just thankful I have a new found love and appreciation for everything around me. When we moved to Tennessee, I had a feeling I would appreciate my surroundings a little more. Indeed, I have.

Jason and I have run into many people who have lived here their whole lives and not seen half of the places we have in the last year. Being with Jason has shed a light on exploring new places. I couldn’t imagine not exploring. I never want to take where we live for granted, especially when it provides so many great getaways only miles down the road.

So on that note, here are a few more pictures I took today while out and about. The pictures above are also pictures I took today of the simple beauties that surround me.

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So many memories

With only seven days left as the editor of the Pine Island Eagle, (due to the move Jason and I are making to NE Tennessee), the push to find someone to replace me has come full circle. A few applicants have called me to find out the “scoop” of the paper in the last few days. These phone calls made me realize how much I have grown to like the Pine Island community, as well as the paper that I have worked so hard on week after week.

This sweet gal who recently moved from Rhode Island to Southwest Florida called with a list of questions this afternoon after she talked with Val, the executive editor about the position. Her enthusiasm for the possibility of becoming the new editor was contagious, which made me reflect upon the moment I was offered the job 18 months ago.

As her questions were answered and we got to know each other a little more, my excitement for her grew as she became more excited about the job. Although I do not have a final say in who replaces me, I decided to call Val and share the nice conversation we had on the phone.

It’s amazing how much of an impact you can have on a community through writing. On the flip side, it is amazing how much the community can have an impact on you as well.

A woman who I have grown to know since I started at the Eagle, due to her involvement in one of the groups that raises money for the island, showed me so much support tonight. She came up to me and asked if she could have a hug, which of course I provided. That hug was then followed by many incredibly sweet remarks of what I have done with the Eagle. As she wished me luck in my next endeavors and shared how much she was going to miss me, she had to cut it short because her eyes were swelling with tears and she did not want to cry.

Another sweet moment that I will carry with me forever…

The wonderful thing about that moment is another woman soon picked up on who I was and instantly shared her feelings. She said she stopped reading the paper for a good amount of time because she was not happy with it, which she said changed when I began. A paper she did not go out of her way to pick up now makes her excited every week to go and get, so she can read the news of her community.

This community constantly thanks me for the paper I produce, their paper that they love. There is no need to thank me, writing is my passion, finding the stories and creating something for the community to enjoy is not work. It’s simply what I believe any reporter and editor would want to accomplish if they are given the opportunity to make a paper their own.

Overwhelemed is an understatement of how all these people leave me feeling after they share their thoughts and feelings about the paper, as well as about me.

It will be  bittersweet next Friday as I say goodbye to the community I have grown to know through the many articles I have published. There were countless memories made on this little island, many memories with individuals I would not have met otherwise.

What a journey, what a learning experience, what an incredible memory to take with me as we travel to Tennessee, where I hope to again make an impact on the community in which I work.

I am incredibly fortunate to have been given the opportunity to work in this island community as their editor and transform their newspaper into something I will always be proud of producing.

It’s amazing that all of these emotions rose with the simple phone call from a hopeful reporter who has applied for my position.

What is there not to love about a profession that provides that much emotion, good emotion?

Wow is all I am left to say.

A million little things

It’s crazy to think the man who now has my heart, stole a piece of it about 15 years ago.

The wonderful thing about this man is the many little things he does throughout the day. Those little things, which are done from near and from afar, mean more than I can ever put into words.

Yesterday the simple phone call before I  started my day was just what I needed … the little things. That meant a lot to me because he made some time while working to make that call.

I think the best foundation for a relationship builds upon a friendship, a strong friendship that blossoms into much more.

I remember the first time we met up after more than a decade of going our separate ways. We almost instantly eased into a conversation that became familiar, a comfortable banter that I didn’t realize I missed. A late lunch turned into endless hours of communication that went into the wee hours of the morning.

wpid-09f5590574aa2c440b0f9e707bec99e6.jpgA best friend I made many years ago was sitting before me once again. From that day forward it was rare that we didn’t find time to spend together.

Now almost four years later I couldn’t imagine my life without this incredible man who constantly looks out for me and always wants the best for me.

Jason continues to bless me with those tiny little moments that make me fall in love with him a little more every time.

It’s an incredible feeling to be loved. It’s a wonderful feeling to have someone know you so well that they pick up on certain gestures, facial expressions and your overall body language. Jason has spent so much time getting to know me that sometimes the conversations are not needed because he already understands my feelings.

I love the tiny moments for the simple fact that they move more mountains than the grand gestures that may not have had that much thought behind them.

I am so fortunate to have found this man once again. I am looking forward to what our future holds, especially as we plant our roots in a new location, Kingsport, TN.